Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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