do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
