I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
