Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
