either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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