She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
