Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
