i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
