somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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