If i come over, it means nothing
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
