Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
