I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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