Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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