Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
