shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
