True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
