I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
