Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
