I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
