I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
