I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
