I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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