someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
