I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
