The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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