took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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