the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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