he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
