I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
