that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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