Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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