The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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