I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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