please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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