My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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