I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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