just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
