Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
