you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
