I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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