So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
