I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
