Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
