The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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