I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
