The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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