fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
