i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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