hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
