Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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