He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
