if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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