How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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