i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i now understand why vodka
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
