I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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