I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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